Now that 2018 is coming to a close, it is a time for reflection on the past year(s), and the new season ahead.
In the past four years, since life became exponentially more exhausting, I went on a rational quest to streamline my calendar and where I spent my time. In 2014, I was working five and a half days a week(sometimes through the weekend at camps), serving at TYA giving free tutoring, serving in the kids’ ministry on Saturdays and Sundays, crossfitting three to four days a week. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed, especially since I could hardly have any time to process my thoughts and being around people allllllll the time began to take its toll.
So I stopped things one after another. TYA, kids’ ministry, crossfit. I learnt one of the hardest lessons of my life thus far, and that is to say ‘no‘. I said no to additional nights of meetings, I said no to outings even with massive FOMO (fear of missing out), I said no to additional responsibilities at work. By 2018, I was queen of the ‘no’.
I do not feel guilty about this. I know it was entirely necessary. I learnt the difficult lesson of my insufficiency and limitations. I learnt to give things up, acknowledging that I am not the saviour of the world. I was forced to accept that I am not an indispensable member of anything. I am certain, looking back, that it was entirely necessary for the soul who was constantly needing to dip her fingers into every pot, trying too hard to please everybody at her own expense.
Now that I am outside of this, I wonder if in the habitual ease of saying ‘no’, had I forgone some of the opportunities that would have encouraged me in faith, or encouraged others in faith? Had I lost my desire to love others at my expense, or perhaps grown cold to the cries of the needy? Sometime earlier this year, I worried I would never become that person who was once eager to serve, willing to spend her time on others, who cried for the brokenness of people’s lives and who cared about the hearts of her friends. I had grown so numb, in my constant ‘no’ to being involved in things, that I worried I may have become a different person.
So often I get caught up in toxic cycles of self-reflection and internal monologues filled with questions about purpose and existence, and I’m starting to see that I end up standing at the sidelines of God’s presence, too preoccupied to step into that space where He is. It’s like a forcefield of my own selfishness obstructs my stepping into everything that God has planned for me.
What if you were to say ‘yes’ to everything that came your way this year?
oh, what a thought! The question kept resonating the last few weeks. What if I said yes to everyone who asked me to be involved in something? What if I said yes to anyone who needed help? What if I said yes to each time the Holy Spirit prompts me to pray for someone? What if I said yes to every opportunity, every experience, every person?
I’m thinking, beautiful relationships, resounding joy in being around for people, surprising new feelings (good and bad), and an abundance of stories to tell and for God to work in and through me.
What if for the year of 2019, I said yes to every person and for the year lived remembering that it is not about me?
For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes. For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.
2 Corinthians 1:19-22
Paul speaks of an unwavering faithfulness in God’s promises. When God makes a promise, unlike humans, he does not change his mind. In him, it is always Yes. Perhaps in this season, I might reflect a little of what that is, to make my promises certain, and to give generously without holding back.
Wow. Just considering this I am filled with equal parts exhilaration and crippling fear.
What sacrifice it would mean. Of time, of money, of energy. How frightening and uncertain this would be. Writing this I’m not entirely sure how it will all pan out, or if it would even make a difference in my spiritual walk.
For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in this world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you.
2 Corinthians 1: 12
Perhaps as Paul writes, that I only need to live simply and with godly sincerity. Not with a sincerity to earn the favour of man, but a purposeful, spirit-led honesty to love others. Earthly wisdom tells me to protect myself and to self-care, and to take care of my well-being. I am not abandoning the wisdom that is to care for myself, but I think the world swings too far into selfishness that in the end is devoid of relationship, of love, of kindness.
So, for 2019, I will not actively seek out any opportunities or any of my interests. But wait patiently, praying in anticipation and see what turns up. And when questions asking for my participation come along, you know what my answer would be.
And for you, my reader, I pray this over you for 2019.
See! God will create a new thing,
and the former things shall not be remembered
or come to mind.
But you will be glad and rejoice
in that which He creates;
because, see! He will create you to be a joy
and to be a gladness.
He will rejoice and be glad in you.
(adapted from Isaiah 65:17-9)
joyinthedust 