I have been feeling quite chaotic in the past few weeks. There’s nothing particularly that has happened to trigger this inner chaos. How can I describe it? Perhaps a restlessness in my soul, and yearning for something more. I’m easily distracted, bored, occasionally fractious.
I wrote the last piece about rest, and this feels different from the need to rest. God is so kind and loving, extending his peace and rest to me in this last week when I felt so burdened and broken. And yet now, there’s this sense that there is something God is dealing with.
This morning I asked him finally what all of this inner chaos is about, what He’s trying to say.
34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him.36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
ALL your heart, with ALL your soul, and with ALL your mind.
He’s uncovering my divided heart.
He’s showing me the many ways I find validation in relationships. He’s showing me the habitual way I have learnt to relate to people so that I feel needed by them. He’s showing me the ways my heart yearns for desires that go unchecked and I don’t bring them before him, but grip on to them so tightly. But they only brought bitterness. He showed me that I crave for recognition and I have so much pride. Even in my occasional self-deprecating ways, pride drives so much of what I do.
“Just give me Jesus” — This song by Unspoken Music captures the desire of my heart. But at the same time, I’m so aware of the many other things I want and I go after instead of coming to the Father and enjoying His love.
Psalm 119 (the most epic of the psalms) repeats ‘all of my heart’ or ‘my whole heart’. Here are just some of the verses:
Blessed are those who keep his testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
who also do no wrong,
but walk in his ways!
With my whole heart I seek you;
let me not wander from your commandments!
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
and observe it with my whole heart.
I entreat your favor with all my heart;
be gracious to me according to your promise.
The insolent smear me with lies,
but with my whole heart I keep your precepts;
With my whole heart I cry; answer me, O Lord!
I will keep your statutes.
All of these, I believe, flow from the promises given to the people in the Old Testament.
‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
“But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.
Wow, it’s incredible to see how many promises God gives to His people when they turn to seek Him with all their hearts. God showed me today that when he wants us, He wants our whole hearts. All of us. There is no more worthy an offering than to give up our whole hearts.
Perhaps in my cries for God to breakthrough in circumstances in my life, or that I say I don’t feel Him, or I can’t hear from the Holy Spirit. Maybe it is actually because in my divided heart, I don’t actually seek Him. I ask for Him, but I don’t look, I don’t drop everything I come back to God to look for Him.
Ahh, so much of me is divided. My attention is turned towards so many things, my loves directed towards other people & to myself. The beautiful thing is that God already knows. When He spoke to me today, it was like a child coming to the Father crying about how silly she had been for not listening. Instead of accusation or an “I told you so”, He opened His arms wide and embraced me as I laid bare all the chaos in my heart, all the frustration at my own divided-ness.
Jesus prayed for us:
The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.
Speaking about the unity in the church, I received it today as an intercession for my heart (our hearts) to be one, to be united to fear Him and love Him (Psalm 86:11-12). Just as Father, Son & Holy Spirit are one, help us to be wholeheartedly in Jesus.
Wow, Lord. Thank you that You are before all things, and in you all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). Where our hearts are divided, we ask that in your Holy Spirit you will unite our hearts towards you. It is our deep desire to worship and love you, help us to wholeheartedly. Thank you that you do not condemn us, but extend your grace to us in all our chaos. Help us to want to seek you wholeheartedly. And when we do, we know you are faithful, and we will find you. Transform our hearts Lord.